Protected: Someone always has it worse
May 3, 2012 at 12:13 pm (artificial insemination, miscarriage, TTC)
Desires
September 21, 2011 at 9:08 pm (conception, miscarriage, TTC)
One days on my walk home from my bus stop I get caught between the little pre-k kids who get walked to who knows where. There are at least 20 kids and 3 adults. It’s cute following along behind them as they chat about their lunch or games or what they are doing that day. Every day that I follow those kids it makes me want my own more and more.
I want to watch a baby grow into a toddler, into a school age kid, to a tween, a bratty teenager and an awesome adult. I want to have the babbling conversations of toddler-hood and the silly conversations of kindergartners. I want to tell my child about how I met their dad and how bringing them into our lives made our life better. I want to teach my children the things that my parents and family didn’t teach me, and many of the things that they did teach me. I want to hold my child’s hand when we go shopping and rub their tummy when they don’t feel good. I want our kids to enjoy C as much as I do, I’m sure the kids will love him!
I feel bitter and sad and distressed that I’m not pregnant. There, I said it! I’m upset that the pregnancy didn’t last and it’s something that crosses my mind regularly, though it’s not something that I discuss regularly. When I have sad days there is no one to talk to about it, to cry to, to understand. C gets it but it’s not something that we discuss anymore. I suppose there is some kind of time limit on when you must stop feeling it and desiring it and feeling sad that it was taken away. Sometimes the loss of hope and good energy is very difficult to work through.
I hope that we can find the excitement of ttc again and that I’ll be able to move forward without feeling terrified of failure.
Good news?
August 12, 2011 at 1:42 pm (conception, miscarriage, RE, TTC)
I am finally not hormonally pregnant!! woo hoo! It took exactly a month for the hormones to go from preggo to negoo. lol. I am glad that it’s finally over with. I meet with the RE on August 26th to make plans for the HSG (tubal) test. oh what fun!
I am still feeling very weird in the lower area, I feel full and ugh. I still feel pressure at random times. I suppose it’s all part of the game. I am looking forward to figuring out if I will eventually be able to have a viable pregnancy. We do have a tentative plan to start TTC in December. My cycles should’ve started back up by then.
Wedding is 8 days away!!! Holy craps. I am able to fit into my dress again, I lost the 6lbs that I had gained. YAY! I really hope that I don’t get my first post-miscarriage period next week. I might cry a lot of it starts during this crazy, busy time. I started my period last year on Aug 20th, let’s not have a repeat. It’d be nice to have a wedding with no bleeding. ha ha.
*I’ll post photo challenge 3 later today*
I am getting very frustrated with my body *edit*
August 5, 2011 at 8:04 am (miscarriage)
2 days ago I started experiencing intense back pain. It hit me hard and has remained that way for the majority of the time. No over the counter meds help, the heating pad does make a difference for a little while. It hurts to stand, bend, pee, twist, any movement! Last night it was bad so I called the RE in case this pain was related in any way to the miscarriage-that-won’t-end. Less than an hour after I left that voicemail I started getting sharp pains in the right side of my uterus. Seriously, it felt like the beginning of the miscarriage-that- won’t-end all over again! Then there was spotting. What is the point in calling the RE again? C gives me a percocet and I cry and whine and eventually I fall asleep. I still don’t want to get out of bed or anything that involves moving my body. Everything hurts. The answering service called me to say that they got my message and had contacted the nurses in my office. Hopefully they tell me what to do because I’m freaking out. My mom is spazzing out as well. She says I should demand a D&C/D&E and make sure that everything is gone. I’m worried that I’ve got some other “female issue” and that it’s just now showing itself. Endometriosis runs in my family as well as cervical cancer. I just want to get it all fixed up instead of having it keep happening, whatever it is. I’m usually not such a whine-bag but this has gone on for exactly 3 weeks! Who else has a miscarriage that lasts this long?! wtf!
In other news, I had my yearly pap (with primary physician) a few days ago and I’ll get results from that soon. Here’s hoping nothing traumatic comes out of those results. My dr said that I should be able to get pregnant again without issue, that miscarriages aren’t generally recurring. Maybe I spend too much time on pregnancy boards because a lot of women have had recurring miscarriages! He seems positive that I shouldn’t be scared of pregnancy. Really? We’ll see what shakes out. I’m feeling so raw from this whole experience, I wonder if I’ll ever recover.
yea, a woah is me post.. again.. sorry!
*EDIT*
Visit to the RE = it’s not reproductive related. Fuck. Now what? She said it sounds muscular/skeletal. I don’t know if I should call my regular dr and try to go in today or if I should find a chiropractor or something. I really hate my body.
news *edited*
July 28, 2011 at 7:55 pm (miscarriage, pregnancy)
I hope that we get some answers tomorrow. My pelvic area STILL hurts. I am still having issues going to the bathroom, I get a shooting pain every time I sit on the toilet for any reason. This is not fun. I can’t say it enough – I just want to return to my normal body.
CONGRATS to all of the recent positive pregnancy tests. I’m so excited for everyone who is striking luck this month! It’s a bit sad but I think that’s how it’ll be for a little while. Jealousy will fade eventually because I’m no green-eyed monster.
* edit*
The RE said it looks like a “blob” by my right ovary. It’s probably a blood clot that hasn’t evacuated yet. We will wait it out. They took a urine sample to test in case I have a bladder infection. That is what she thinks could be causing my pelvic pain when I go to the bathroom and in general. They’ll call in the afternoon with some results from all the testings. woot woot.
Next step once all of this is finished: get the tubal xray (the HSG dye test) done. Yippee. I’m in no rush to get that done, though.
I will leave you with a photo of my favorite place in Philadelphia – Logan Square/Swan Fountain
will there ever be good news?
July 22, 2011 at 1:17 pm (miscarriage, Wedding)
Today’s bloodwork was not what we wanted it to be. Apparently my hCG hasn’t decreased as it should. It went down 10 instead of like it should. I have to return next Friday for them to do yet another ultrasound and see what’s going on.
I think that there must be some tissue stuck in there that can’t get out. If they have to do the laproscopic surgery, that’s fine. I just want whatever is happening to get cleared up. If I have a blocked tube, I want to know. If I should never get pregnant again, I want to know. I don’t like not knowing what the hell is happening.
I picked up my dress from the seamstress yesterday and was disappointed! She took it in a tad too much or I gained some pounds in the last month. It’s so tight that I now have that back butt crack that’s so UNattractive! I’m really stressed out about it and I hope that once my body returns to its former glory. My veil hangs long so it’ll probably cover it but do I really want to wear a veil the entire reception? I don’t want to pay to get it taken back out either. ugh.
My family is stressing out about their travel arrangements. I want everyone to have a great time but they are making things harder than they need to be. I feel like I’m going to be the bride who’s running around like a chicken with her head cut off. This doesn’t make me very happy. I don’t know how anyone stays calm when so many people are coming in from out of town and all you want to do is spend time together and show them your favorite sites. When will I ever have time for all of this?!
TMI possibly triggering to some folks
July 18, 2011 at 3:54 pm (conception, miscarriage)
Don’t proceed if you are squeamish.
Today I was going about my business and then got all crampy and went home. I laid down, put the heating pad on and waited for the horrible pain to go away. Then I felt something leave my vagina.
The thing, my friends, was the gestational sac. It has left the building. It was the most traumatic thing to happen so far, besides hearing that it was actually happening. Yes I stared at it for 5 minutes, looking at that clear little sac and the weird bloody tail. I had thought it would have left the building this weekend when the cramps were at their worst. But no, friends, it waited until I was feeling alright and returning to work to decide now was the time.
I saw my RE this morning, my lovely, nice RE, and she was very kind to us. She repeated that there was nothing in the uterus but she said she believed that it was a regular uterine pregnancy that just didn’t grow correctly. That’s okay. It’s an answer that I can handle. Lots of things don’t grow correctly – plants, food, buildings.. these things happen. My blood work showed a drastic decrease in hCG and that’s a good thing. If it wasn’t dropping on its own, I’d need a procedure to find out what was actually happening in there.
Right now, I don’t know if I ever want a repeat. I don’t know if I want to be pregnant again. My body is traumatized and it’ll take some time to heal. Emotionally I’m alright most of the time.. then I start crying for no reason. I officially hate hormones!
Recharging
July 15, 2011 at 8:06 am (conception, miscarriage, TTC)
Yesterday we got a book in the mail from our insurance company. Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy. Isn’t that lovely?! We will probably read it one day, no time soon.
I am still not feeling 100% physically. There is a low ache that doesn’t seem to want to go away but at least I was able to get some sleep last night and the pain has decreased. I feel better having slept good through the night. I still have some weird things coming out of me and that might continue for a little while. It is what it is, right?
We are not hopping back on the ttc train until next year. We will spend the next 6 months continuing on our diet and exercise plan and paying down other debts. When I’m half way through with my employment contract, we will start again. We have agreed that we do not want the added stress of being pregnant while I’m at this job. We are completely okay with our new plans and it makes us feel better. We want the next time to be better and longer lasting than this time.
We are grateful that we are able to mourn this pregnancy loss in a logical way. It does suck A LOT that it didn’t stick but it’s not the end of the world. The physical pain was worse than the emotional for me. At least we know that my body can do it, there is consolation in that. We are grateful that we got to be excited about the possibility of really being parents. There will be other another time for us!
